I have been trying to decide when, how and exactly what to write on this blog post. I don't want the "wrong" impression to come out or the wrong "feelings" so here it goes...I'll do my best.
The "after" of surrogacy is a hard thing to explain and especially to those who have never done it or never would do it. I have been feeling pretty good, however, there are days when I don't feel great. I get sad because it's all over. I longed to do this for so long and I accomplished my goal. I didn't necessarily even have to try. I was matched with the perfect IPs, I got pregnant on the first try, I only got pregnant with a singleton and I had the easiest, close to perfect pregnancy ever. I had the most amazing journey, met some amazing people thru this whole journey and now it's all over....in an instant. If you tell people you're sad, the first thing they think is you miss the baby or maybe regret giving up the baby which is completely wrong. I'm happy that I don't have to get up at night to a crying baby, I'm glad I don't have a newborn to take care of, to pay for, to worry about, I'm glad that is someone else's responsibility. One day I want that again, but not right now. I'm not in a position in my life to do that right now and I know that. What i do miss is being pregnant, I miss the whole "journey" part, I miss feeling that sweet boy kicking inside of me. It's like you work for something for so long and want it so bad, but then the day comes and it's all over. This is the part you never want to end. You want to hold on to it as long as possible and cherish every moment. I definitely cherished the moments. I cherish the relationship I have built with my IPs. I cherish that I get to watch the sweet boy I delivered grow up and be a part of his life. I cherish every picture that they send to me and the updates I receive. I told my IM that I was feeling "the blues" and she said to think of it as role reversal which I thought was so sweet. I carried him, nourished him, loved him, and talked to him for 9 months and now it's their turn. Although they get a lifetime with him, I do too in a sense. I get to love him from afar. I get to be proud of him and watch him grow and know that I did the best I could for the first 9 months of his life. It's a different kind of love and attachment, but I get it and for that I'm thankful and happy.
Some people will never understand why I did this or why I feel the way I do and that's ok. Some people will never talk about their feelings and the "after math" of surrogacy either and that is ok. To me, it's a relief. To me, it makes me feel better to write it down and share. If I can help one surrogate understand that it's not all "ok" afterwards or that it's ok to feel the blues and not feel regret than I have accomplished another goal of mine. I'm not sure how long the "blues" are going to last or the hormones being all confused and messed up are going to last and that's ok. I will deal with them as they come. I am a strong person and after this experience feel even stronger and that's hard for me to admit but I know it's true. I know most people couldn't do this and that's understandable. Surrogacy isn't for just anyone, it takes a strong, determined person. I have learned so much about myself thru this journey and feel that I'm in the best place in my life right now and couldn't ask for anything more.
What helped the most though is that I have the most amazing support, friends and family and I couldn't have done it without them (or you if you are reading this). I have the BEST parents in the whole world who have been by my side from day one and the GREATEST mom who was here to witness the birth, be here for me and Taylen, take care of both of us and not complained one bit. She put her life on hold to come take care of me and Taylen and for that I'm more grateful then words could ever express. I couldn't have made it this last week without her. So for the next few weeks while I'm off of work, blues or no blues, I'm going to cherish every moment and memory that the three of us are making together. I thank God for watching over me thru this whole journey and blessing my IPs with a healthy beautiful baby boy and that this "journey" is really only just beginning!!