I have been trying to decide when, how and exactly what to write on this blog post. I don't want the "wrong" impression to come out or the wrong "feelings" so here it goes...I'll do my best.
The "after" of surrogacy is a hard thing to explain and especially to those who have never done it or never would do it. I have been feeling pretty good, however, there are days when I don't feel great. I get sad because it's all over. I longed to do this for so long and I accomplished my goal. I didn't necessarily even have to try. I was matched with the perfect IPs, I got pregnant on the first try, I only got pregnant with a singleton and I had the easiest, close to perfect pregnancy ever. I had the most amazing journey, met some amazing people thru this whole journey and now it's all over....in an instant. If you tell people you're sad, the first thing they think is you miss the baby or maybe regret giving up the baby which is completely wrong. I'm happy that I don't have to get up at night to a crying baby, I'm glad I don't have a newborn to take care of, to pay for, to worry about, I'm glad that is someone else's responsibility. One day I want that again, but not right now. I'm not in a position in my life to do that right now and I know that. What i do miss is being pregnant, I miss the whole "journey" part, I miss feeling that sweet boy kicking inside of me. It's like you work for something for so long and want it so bad, but then the day comes and it's all over. This is the part you never want to end. You want to hold on to it as long as possible and cherish every moment. I definitely cherished the moments. I cherish the relationship I have built with my IPs. I cherish that I get to watch the sweet boy I delivered grow up and be a part of his life. I cherish every picture that they send to me and the updates I receive. I told my IM that I was feeling "the blues" and she said to think of it as role reversal which I thought was so sweet. I carried him, nourished him, loved him, and talked to him for 9 months and now it's their turn. Although they get a lifetime with him, I do too in a sense. I get to love him from afar. I get to be proud of him and watch him grow and know that I did the best I could for the first 9 months of his life. It's a different kind of love and attachment, but I get it and for that I'm thankful and happy.
Some people will never understand why I did this or why I feel the way I do and that's ok. Some people will never talk about their feelings and the "after math" of surrogacy either and that is ok. To me, it's a relief. To me, it makes me feel better to write it down and share. If I can help one surrogate understand that it's not all "ok" afterwards or that it's ok to feel the blues and not feel regret than I have accomplished another goal of mine. I'm not sure how long the "blues" are going to last or the hormones being all confused and messed up are going to last and that's ok. I will deal with them as they come. I am a strong person and after this experience feel even stronger and that's hard for me to admit but I know it's true. I know most people couldn't do this and that's understandable. Surrogacy isn't for just anyone, it takes a strong, determined person. I have learned so much about myself thru this journey and feel that I'm in the best place in my life right now and couldn't ask for anything more.
What helped the most though is that I have the most amazing support, friends and family and I couldn't have done it without them (or you if you are reading this). I have the BEST parents in the whole world who have been by my side from day one and the GREATEST mom who was here to witness the birth, be here for me and Taylen, take care of both of us and not complained one bit. She put her life on hold to come take care of me and Taylen and for that I'm more grateful then words could ever express. I couldn't have made it this last week without her. So for the next few weeks while I'm off of work, blues or no blues, I'm going to cherish every moment and memory that the three of us are making together. I thank God for watching over me thru this whole journey and blessing my IPs with a healthy beautiful baby boy and that this "journey" is really only just beginning!!
Monday, July 4, 2011
As a lot of you already know baby Chance was born Friday, July 1 at 9:46 a.m. weighing 6 lbs 14 oz, 19.5 inches long. I had a scheduled c-section that day. We arrived at the hospital together at 7:30 a.m and got checked in at the hospital. We had the BEST nurse there to prep us for everything. She was so amazed at our story and was just the sweetest thing. At 9:00 they had us go back to the operating room....holy cow. It was real now and no turning back. That is where I got my epidural and everyone back there was just amazed at our story and treated us all with such kindness. It was like a big happy family back there. They waited until I was completely numb and my IM was soo good to hold my hand thru it all and not leave my side. She had told the nurse that when baby got there to fill in for her and not leave my side. As soon as baby C came, the nurse was right there to hold my hand and make sure I was ok while mom and dad went to see their miracle baby. After they held him, cleaned him and weighed him they brought him to me and I got to hold him and he just was the sweetest thing and totally recognized my voice....it was amazing. After that, they took me to recovery and mom and dad, baby, me and my mom and daughter all got to hang out in recovery. After recovery, they took us to our room and we all just admired baby C. My IM took hormones to breastfeed which I just think is totally amazing, so they got to bond over that and baby C latched right on and hasn't stopped since. That lil man ate more than I've seen any newborn eat....here are some pics from the day