Sunday, July 10, 2011

The After Math...

I have been trying to decide when, how and exactly what to write on this blog post.  I don't want the "wrong" impression to come out or the wrong "feelings" so here it goes...I'll do my best. 

The "after" of surrogacy is a hard thing to explain and especially to those who have never done it or never would do it.   I have been feeling pretty good, however, there are days when I don't feel great.  I get sad because it's all over.  I longed to do this for so long and I accomplished my goal.  I didn't necessarily even have to try.  I was matched with the perfect IPs, I got pregnant on the first try, I only got pregnant with a singleton and I had the easiest, close to perfect pregnancy ever.  I had the most amazing journey, met some amazing people thru this whole journey and now it's all over....in an instant.  If you tell people you're sad, the first thing they think is you miss the baby or maybe regret giving up the baby which is completely wrong.  I'm happy that I don't have to get up at night to a crying baby, I'm glad I don't have a newborn to take care of, to pay  for, to worry about, I'm glad that is someone else's responsibility.  One day I want that again, but not right now.  I'm not in a position in my life to do that right now and I know that.  What i do miss is being pregnant, I miss the whole "journey" part, I miss feeling that sweet boy kicking inside of me.  It's like you work for something for so long and want it so bad, but then the day comes and it's all over.  This is the part you never want to end.  You want to hold on to it as long as possible and cherish every moment.  I definitely cherished the moments.  I cherish the relationship I have built with my IPs.  I cherish that I get to watch the sweet boy I delivered grow up and be a part of his life.  I cherish every picture that they send to me and the updates I receive.  I told my  IM that I was feeling "the blues" and she said to think of it as role reversal which I thought was so sweet.  I carried him, nourished him, loved him, and talked to him for 9 months and now it's their turn. Although they get a lifetime with him, I do too in a sense.  I get to love him from afar.  I get to be proud of him and watch him grow and know that I did the best I could for the first 9 months of his life.  It's a different kind of love and attachment, but I get it and for that I'm thankful and happy.

Some people will never understand why I did this or why I feel the way I do and that's ok.  Some people will never talk about their feelings and the "after math" of surrogacy either and that is ok.  To me, it's a relief.  To me, it makes me feel better to write it down and share.  If I can help one surrogate understand that it's not all "ok" afterwards or that it's ok to feel the blues and not feel regret than I have accomplished another goal of mine.  I'm not sure how long the "blues" are going to last or the hormones being all confused and messed up are going to last and that's ok.  I will deal with them as they come.  I am a strong person and after this experience feel even stronger and that's hard for me to admit but I know it's true.  I know most people couldn't do this and that's understandable.  Surrogacy isn't for just anyone, it takes a strong, determined person.  I have learned so much about myself thru this journey and feel that I'm in the best place in my life right now and couldn't ask for anything more. 

What helped the most though is that I have the most amazing support, friends and family and I couldn't have done it without them (or you if you are reading this).  I have the BEST parents in the whole world who have been by my side from day one and the GREATEST mom who was here to witness the birth, be here for me and Taylen, take care of both of us and not complained one bit.  She put her life on hold to come take care of me and Taylen and for that I'm more grateful then words could ever express.  I couldn't have made it this last week without her.  So for the next few weeks while I'm off of work, blues or no blues, I'm going to cherish every moment and memory that the three of us are making together.  I thank God for watching over me thru this whole journey and blessing my IPs with a healthy beautiful baby boy and that this "journey" is really only just beginning!!

13 comments:

one faux mommy said...

thank you for sharing from your heart! i feel the exact same way you do. sad that my part in this baby's life has come to an end, but definetly not because the baby isn't here with me. i am a few weeks down the road and i feel better - physically and emotionally. you did a wonderful thing girl! be proud!!!

Jennifer said...

Beautifly written. I'm only at the beginning of my journey but it feels good to know that there are people like you who have gone through it and will understand what I am going through on my journey, even when my family and friends don't. You are an amazing woman and you have done an amazing thing. I hope the blues quickly fade. Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened :)

Stacy said...

Love you baby girl!!! Keep your head up! Can't wait to see you!!!!!! xoxo

Melissa Bowyer said...

Sweet girl, I FEEL YA!!! I too wanted to share expecting criticism but getting only love and support. This WILL pass. It may take2 months but one day you'll wake up and look at a photo of you holding him and you won't cry. I don't know exactly how it happens but believe me it does. Thanks for being so candid. Cry your heart out..enjoy even this part because it is so very normal and your tears will contribute to your healing in time!

Krystal said...

I wish I could give you a big hug!! :-) Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I've been thinking a lot lately about how it will be "after" and truthfully it's kinda of intimidating to think about. So many emotions, but I'm glad I have a friend like you that's going/gone thru it and hopefully we can help support each other.

Jeni said...

Beautifully written. I am dreading this part, but trying to process it as "part of the journey", just as you said. Thanks for sharing! You're amazing! <3

Mike and Tony said...

Wow... what a strength there is in you. Thank you for sharing this.

TXSurromom said...

I think, for the most part, only another surro can truly understand the feelings. I haven't gotten there yet (we're 25 weeks) but I'm preparing myself for these same feelings. I'm so thankful for a surro-community that understands, accepts, listens and doesn't assume it's tears of regret for "giving up" a baby (b/c that baby was never yours and we know that, but others sometimes have a hard time understanding it).

I know a couple of surro friends who have gone through this same thing and like them, I hope it passes soon. :)

Congrats to your IPs and congrats to you for your wonderful accomplishment. :)

Ashley said...

Big hugs, girl!! I can definitely say that these feelings of yours are completely normal and expected. And yes, people who haven't been in our shoes will never understand. I went through the same exact thing and I think every surrogate does, whether they share it or not. For me, even 10 months later, these feelings still come back on occasion. I think about the triplets every single day, but there are some days that I can't stop thinking about them. And it's not because I miss THEM, but because I miss the journey. I am not sure these feelings will ever go away entirely, but it does get better. You are an amazing person and I am here for you if you ever need to chat.

Ashley

Aimee Bryan said...

Charity, you are an amazing woman! You've done something so very selfless. I can't imagine what you have and will continue to go through, but I do know that your strength is unbelieveable! What a blessing you are and have been to that sweet couple and to us whom you've shared your journey with. Thank you for sharing this experience with us.

Susan said...

Hang on...the emotions level out as the hormones level out. It just takes time. You will find the old you or the new you.

realisingdreams said...

Thank you so much for this post! I have just done my first cycle as a surro (got cancelled, trying again next month). These are the sort of things I wonder about and it helps to know how it might feel to be at "that" part of my journey. I kinda expected I would probably be feeling the way you are now. At least when the time comes I will know feelings like yours are normal and hopefully will feel better about it.

The Deputy said...

Thanks so much for posting this. I'm in the 2nd trimester of my first surrogacy and have been trying to get my head wrapped around what to expect postpartum.

Societally, pregnant women are 'special', and surrogates are EXTRA special. The problem is that after birth, mothers of infants still retain their special-ness while surrogates just go back to normalcy.

My friends plan to have a really big 'no longer pregnant shower' for me afterward. I think this will be a really helpful chance for a) me to feel 'special' again postpartum and b) to set the tone for how me and all my friends will process the event.